So after my last post, I decided to take a little time out for myself. I was going to go do some shopping … by Myself … and treat myself to some new workout gear . My morning started with making some protein pancakes for Mila and I, a Tumeric latte from the cafe up the road, and sitting outside and enjoying 15mins of uninterrupted Me time.
I went to the shops, and tried on a few things. Subconsciously, I think I knew it was going to be a train wreck, but I was quietly hoping that by the time I got there, my mindset would have shifted.
Turns out, trying on clothes when you already feel yuck about yourself, is not the best of ideas. It didnt help that I had the worst headache before I even left the house.
The signs are out there
I now wonder whether the universe is trying to tell me somethin. On the way to the shops, I saw the numbers 11:11 on the clock. It was nothing new to me because I see these numbers all the time. However, I feel that the emotions I felt today was a message, one that I have been ignoring for a while, because one obsession took over another.
I started listening to a podcast on the way back and I feel like it was exactly what I was meant to hear at that point. The podcast – The Fearless Rebelle created by called Summer Innanen – was like those ‘ah-ha’ moments you get, but more like an ‘ohhh, um yep’. She was talking about poor body image and the roles we and society have to play in this.
My body image
I have never had a positive body image, even though I came across super confident all my life. I would have my highs’, which would usually be when I weighed less, but I was still never happy. I was always seeking fault within myself,even at my lowest weight, it was never enough. Not that I wanted to weigh less, but I didnt like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Im sure many of you can relate to that too. I couldnt understand it, I mean, I was a dancer, dance teacher, and fitness instructor, and I just couldnt get it together. What I realised a long time ago, is that even the fittest of women, the most in-shape and toned, have their opinions of their own bodies.
Working in the fitness industry for years has made me very aware of the lack of a psychological and spiritual approach to health and wellness. Why would there be when fitness is a 1billion dollar industry in Australia alone?
So, add my emotional eating behaviours and negative self talk to my negative body image, how fkn exhausting right? I am soooo tired! Of feeling this way, of talking myself down, of comparing myself to others, of dieting or over-exercising. Im just tired!
So where to now?
I just want to FEEL healthy and BE healthy, say fck the numbers and a big FCK THE DIET! So, to progress on what I feel I should be doing (and not think I should be doing), I am going to work towards getting back to:
✔ Exercising because I love it. I have gone back into the gym and Im back into my favourite type of exercise – weight training.
✔ Eating healthy and nutritional food without having to count everything I eat. Eating mindfully and intuitively and being aware of the types and quality of food I consume. Eat healthy to be healthy and lose weight in the process of nourishing and taking care of my body..
✔ Making meals and treats from scratch and including Mila in my cooking. Teaching her and re-teaching myself better habits and living a life of balance.
✔ Minimise or be more aware of my self talk, which I feel is probably one of the hardest things to work on. I have started this process by shifting my train of thinking every time a bad thought pops in my head. I am still working on a phrase to shift those thoughts, but for now Im using “Every day in every way, I get better and better” or “I am Enough and I am loved”.
This is my current mission. Its not going to be easy, I am human after all, however, any progress, is still progress. I feel that what Im about to say is true for all, if not, most of us. If We arent happy with ourselves or dont love ourselves to begin with, it will not matter what it says on the scale. Being my ‘ideal’ weight will not bring me happiness, I know that from personal experience. With that said, I want to make sure that my daughter does not inherit or learn my current behaviours , and instead, learns to develop a healthy relationship with food and her body.